HPB Voices Reloaded

Jokes for the soccer fans

A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?"

"Because he beats me" said the little boy.

"Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge.

“Because she beats me as well.”

"Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?"

The little boy replied" I would like to live with Southampton FC, because they don't beat anyone!!"

 

Q: What tea do footballers drink?
A. PenalTea!

 

Q: How many Manchester City soccer fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

 

A Sunderland supporter goes to his doctor to find out what's wrong with him.

"Your problem is you're fat, "says the doctor.

"I'd like a second opinion" responds the man.

"OK, you're ugly too" replies the doctor.

Four surgeons are taking a tea break:

1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says "Nope, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd surgeon says "Well you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour coded."

4th surgeon says "I prefer Tottenham fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable."

 

Unsubstantiated reports seem to suggest that Chelsea will be releasing a new record at the end of the month, "I'm forever blowing Doubles"!

 

A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for my Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

"£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.

"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke then runs back to shop.....

"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you're back for the story!"

"Forget the story - do you have a brass man utd fan?"

 

@ A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars.

There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Rangers fan replied, "Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!"

The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"

He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan.

The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan.

The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"